AT A LOSS,
DURING TIMES
OF DISMANTLING
REALITY BODIES:
LOVING THE NEUROSIS
Written by Sarah in the week after the Berlin Pride Attacks, July 28th - Aug 4th, 2026.
#MADABOLITION
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When we feel stripped of agency, our hands cut off by the world, we can turn inwards, gathering power and resources.
We remember that our power is about knowing ourselves.
Not only knowing the goodness, but also knowing the mysterious, the monstrous and the mutated. Knowing as tending to, tending to as loving.
Loving what? Loving the queer within everything.
Loving what? Loving the neurosis arising from survival.
Knowing what is of most value, the inner heart, and what is not of most value to that inner heart, reveals priority, and choice.
We choose what influences our field. And it is important to choose to allow to be necessarily wounded by it.
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Within times of chaos when toxicity surfaces; when the harsh edges of violences come closer, reaching into intimate realms - permeating, damaging, forcing us to embrace more dissonance, more change, more systems dissolving, already being on the path of valuing the inner heart and knowing oneself’s own monstrosity and mutation, means we remember:
We know to which direction we need to face, and we know that the choice is always our own. We get to choose what we allow to take something from us, and what we allow to take nothing from us any longer.
The impersonal neurosis, that Soul-saving workaround, to which we are all connected to, but most reject - that is one of our personal entry portals into the worlds of our Ancestors.
Everyone has Ancestors, what is their core wound, do you know it, do you feel it, are you tending to it?
We do not need to continue to push away what does not make sense. We do not need to continue to hold by ourselves, what is collective pain. There is nothing to ‘overcome’, to neatly wrap up and be done with. There is continual praxis, continual rehearsal.
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And as the perception of our bodies reverberates out, so too does our ownership of and accountability to the neurosis. Our bodies include our societies, our bodies include our governance systems. Our bodies include our realities.
If we were to love the neurosis it would mean understanding that turning towards the economy or towards doubling down on pre-emptive or paranoid fear against ‘an other’, is a part of the cause.
We stay open. Ego is a guest here in the house of psyche. Monopolistic agency is hyperindividual fantasy. Yes, our nervous systems are shot to absolute shit by now. Yet, we stay open, we become weathered. Become tender.
We start to understand that what comes up within us as personal failure, limit, personality, is all bodies of our bodies bringing material to transmute.
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This is why we love our mutation as a way of learning Beauty.
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Once we are tender with our own most toxic and twisted mutations, once we are able to forgive ourselves of our disgust in everything we push away, and stop pushing it away all the time - that biting crow that forever is slightly out of sight, pecking into the space behind our eyes, pecking into the behind the back leg, never graspable realm - lest we become tender enough to actually love another - we give it a moment, a benefit of the doubt, if only for a moment.
To love, not despite of how the neurosis has us in it’s grips, but because of.
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I am only at the beginning of the pathway of learning beauty. My heart has been broken by it many times before.
At which point will it be broken enough for it to stay tender? Next time. Next time, I say. But nevertheless my anger and frusteration and limits keep stating themselves a new and I still find sharp edges within me. My body still seemingly breaking worse, not easier, one chronic flare after the other, (and I am not even a Mother to a real child. My child is my practice. How do Mothers do it?)
For this process I need time, to embrace error as medicine. For this process I need water, living element springing from within.
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And what of the broken hearts who suffer too much in this reality, those who are burdened with genocidal brutality?
There are warriors amongst us who are reminded by living, that death is salvation.
That death is not an opposite of life, but a transformation of it, a continuation of it.
Perhaps accessing an inner knowing and mediating the fear and grief around death allows us to access and relate with death as transformation, as salvation of the Spirit, meaning we are more aware - gracious of - living as a choice?
Fueled by accountability to those who had choice robbed of them due to unbearable weights of collective shadows, either manifest in matter/ a pervading external context, physical occupations of space, world-as-weapon, abandonment, barrier, oppression - or unmanifest, an inner psychic occupation: pervading interiorities, in energy, thought form or emotion.
We live by choice, choosing tender courage in the face of fear of loss; fear of loss of our attachments; to make intentional inclusive action where we can.
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Even if we are to be in the world, but not of it, relational spirituality is not passivity.
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Kinship and multiperspective forms of spirituality share templates of multidimensional being and non-being, which reminds ourselves to which power we are really connected to, and a part of.
A core issue with imperial and colonial worldview, to which all western governance systems are constructed through, and to which produces collective western consciousness, is that it forgot that power itself ultimately is relational, also to the Earth and all of her nature, animal beings, cosmic phenonema. Colonial relational realities and all assumed identities within this, are constructs of missing knowledge, incomplete templates.
This incompleteness is always violent towards every being and non being - due to its bypass, lack of recognition, co-option and extraction.
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Queer navigations; choose spiral deconditionings. We return to remember that nature themself is queer, answering to the original source power, the power of the cosmos, orbiting cycles of bodies of bodies of bodies.
There is no singular right way, each of us presents a unique way. Amongst all workarounds, all multiperspectives, all blur and contamination, there will be no workaround which denies the true way for each of us. All of our neurotic workarounds expose and support the path - in their upside down ways.
May we remember how to ask for the resources we need, directly from the real sources of our power: the praxis connecting into inner worlds, the darkness and the inter-spaces of relation.
May our practices resource us from this incubative protective inside, a deep inner spring of sustenance arising within.
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Courage & Balance,
Sarah, 4th Aug, 2026.